I'm so tired...

But, I did it on purpose. I needed to reset my internal clock. So, somewhere between 3:30-5:15 a.m., I caught some wee catnaps...and beyond that, I've been awake and trying to remain so. I think it's almost time to shower and escape the house and start moving. All day long. Not stopping until bedtime tonight.

I don't know why I'm so reticent to write after I've been away. It's been my downfall with Artist's Way (12-week course in awakening your inner artist) and in the many blogs I've had over the years. It's a weird aversion thing...if I feel self-chided for an absence, I'll just stay away from it. Hence, not calling my teacher yet for a lesson this summer. I've been away so long that I feel awkward starting up again. Sometimes, I just need to make myself do things. I was so good at that in high school...but, maybe after 12 years of being a self-motivated student who helped plan her school day/year/curriculum, I just got tired of it. But, fuck it. It's my *life* now, so it should be a little more important than making sure I read "Johnny Tremain" before any of my Anne books. Shouldn't it? It is. I know it is. I'm just tired of it. *THIS* is why people shouldn't home school their children...in addition to the numerous years in therapy for any religious affiliations to the schooling (did I mention, I ran with that very popular group of home schoolers who believed in arranged marriages?). In any event, I need to grow up, be a big girl and start taking a little more responsibility for m'self.

And by that, I mean...a little less responsibility for my family. I didn't talk to Mom last night about her cell phone "not working" because I *knew* exactly what had happened...it involved Dad and some plan switching and what happened was her own damn fault...and I was not about to get dragged in the middle of another divorce fight. Which was good. Right? Right. I talked to the Duke yesterday. His internship is going well, he got good grades for the semester, and he *hates* Angel's girlfriend as much as I do. Thank GOD. I thought I was the only one who thought she was as dumb as dirt...a bachelor's in communication...with an emphasis in special ed. So she can teach speech in special ed classes. No teaching classes, no master's plans. Just communication. At a community college. Dumb. As. Dirt. Back to the fam...so, I'm trying to take less responsibility for them. It feels like I'm being a bad daughter, but I feel SO much happier when I'm not dragged into family feuds and called for "conference calls" so that "someone knows what's going on" (ummm...you mean, that you're crazy, Mom?). It's a good feeling to not talk to your family, sometimes.


And, as a part of reclaiming my inner artist, I'm finding a particular zen in baking. I don't know why...but, every few days or so, I feel the need to bake something that I've never made before. And they're all turning out relatively well. It makes me feel really good to cook amazing food, but I *really* wish there wasn't some part of me that wished I had a boyfriend who would appreciate it. It's kind of sick. But, I'm sure that's part of the process...being okay with what I do...for ME. Right? Right. Or maybe I really do need to get out there and start dating. I hate dating. Maybe another post this afternoon will describe it as I, in my sleep-deprived delirium begin to get *really* honest.

Shower. Coffee. Breakfast. yay.