My stupid mouth

John Mayer...whatever. It's all about me right now. I had jaw surgery back in the day, when I was 16. For reasons I won't go into, it was needed. It was entirely necessary and covered by insurance and completely non-cosmetic. When I went in for my first consultation, the oral maxillofacial surgeon (really, I like throwing that in there because it makes me feel smart. And it's fun to say.) went over all the things that could possibly (but probably wouldn't) go wrong. Things like paralysis, nerve damage and death. For a teenage girl, the worst of all of these options was muscle paralysis. There was nothing I could think of that could be remotely worse than having half of my mouth hang low and refuse to function. Slightly above paralysis was death. This was an option I could handle, as long as my face looked normal. I really didn't have a problem with the idea of my nerves being damaged, especially because the doctor explained that it would probably resolve itself within 6 months and if any part of my face remained numb, it would be a very small portion. Deal, I thought. No problem.

I went through the surgery and neither died nor had muscle paralysis. My entire lower jaw was numb for the first two weeks. Gradually, feeling began to seep back in. First from the left side and then from the right. The nerve endings sprang back to life, moving toward the center, when all of a sudden...my right side stopped going forth and prospering, while my left side raced to the center goal. What ended up becoming readily apparent was that my lower jaw was going to be missing about a quarter of all of its feeling. Well, not all feeling. (Un?)Fortunately, the nerve was never severed completely (or never grew back completely...never figured out which), so my chin (from center to the right edge of my lower lip) remains all tingly...like the foot that has fallen asleep and is trying to wake up. It still tingles to this day. I don't notice it much, anymore, after nearly a decade, but it's there. I have also regained (about 3 years after the incident) feeling of a narrow strip above my chin, but below my lip and the very top portion of my lip.

What does this have to do with anything at present, you ask? For some reason, when I a) get drunk, b) get tired, or c) get cold, ALL feeling ceases and this somehow affects the motor skills of my mouth. ONLY THE RIGHT SIDE. So, in addition to being unable to feel when water, coffee, ice cream, soup or the like is dribbling down my face on a *normal* day, when any of the three above occur, I am unable to feel my own saliva, as well. Tonight, it is cold in our house. I am exhausted and endeavoring to keep myself awake so that I don't wake up at 5 a.m. I reached up about 20 minutes ago to brush back the hair from my face and noticed a damp spot on my shirt. I was drooling. Like a toddler or a pubescent boy who has just discovered what it is that makes daddy so excited about a movie with Angelina Jolie. I am annoyed because this *should* be a function of my face that I *should* be able to control. What if I am in the throes of passion and I leak mouth fluid on my lover...not in a good way...? I'm just annoyed at my stupid mouth and I vow to either control or take vengeance on it, one day. My mouth *will* be my bitch. Pwnd.