I don't date Mormons..

...because they don't date me. At the behest of Der Komponist, I shall now share why I hate dating. This will amuse maybe two people and be relevant to absolutely no one...unless you know of a single, relatively attractive STRAIGHT man who is interested in a socially awkward musician. Then, you can have my number.


I do well with dates that aren't dates. Actually, I do *really* well with those. My first non-date date was when I was 17. With Luke. We were singing a duet for our final piano recital as seniors and he offered to "share" some of his voice lessons with me in a town an hour away. I was only allowed to ride with him because he was a PK, homeschooled, and a "good boy." We'd known each other since 6th grade and there had always been that...interest. I agonized for about 15 minutes about what to wear, and opted for a hot Christian boob shirt and jeans (a Christian boob shirt is one that sort of shows cleave, but not completely and still has sleeves and goes beyond the waistband of your pants. I was the only homeschooler I knew that owned one). The first five minutes were awkward, then we discovered a mutual love for a geek-revered show, MST3K . After that, it was gravy...we did the lesson, we explored Las Cruces, and he took me to dinner...at Sonic. It was benign and unplanned and delightful. :) I loved it. Soon after, we dated, much to the anger and repulsion of every girl at his church and in our HS support group. All of our dates and "hang outs" were unofficial until he wrote my father an official letter of intent (this folks, is my background) and asked to take me on a "real" date before I left for college. I tore my closet apart looking for *anything* to wear. After three days, I had THE outfit. He borrowed his grandfather's boat of a car, and took me to the most expensive restaurant in the county. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. I couldn't even LOOK at him. All I could think of was that I was absolutely unworthy to be on this date and what did he see in me and how did I end up so stupid and dear GOD which fork should I use and why did this have to be official and what if he wants to get married and do I like him enough to "officially" date him...and so forth. For the entire date. On the drive home, he suggested a movie. I used the age-old cop out "Ummmm...I have a headache. Maybe next time." and was unbelievably relieved to be home, once again. WHY was it so difficult to go on a "real" date with him? I don't know...I think it had something to do with me being in my head too much. Let's look at the other dates that have ended poorly...

Bachelor No. 1 -- We met through a mutual friend...without actually meeting. Through email, phone and AIM. Eventually, we decided to double with said mutual friend and his current girlfriend. I was awkward. I hated the movie we went to. I spilled chinese food on my pristine white blouse with cute cut out sleeves. I could only talk to the mutual friend and his girlfriend. I had nothing to say to the man I had spoken to until 5 in the morning each night for the previous week. I listened to everything he said and I thought about how I could respond...it was like I was on crack. I over analyzed every possible response through a bizarre conversational probability converter. It ultimately failed, because no response seemed worthy and I stayed silent. He didn't call again. When asked "Why?" by the lovely couple, he said, "She didn't talk to me. There was no chemistry in person." Lesson learned: Stop analyzing and talk.

Bachelor No. 2 -- A set up through my boss. Her brother-in-law. He was a manager at Blockbuster. I was a budding opera singer. In an effort to not seem dull and lifeless, I talked about my future potential and my soon-to-happen career. I talked about where I was moving and my plans for the next 10 years. I watched his every move and analyzed how I was coming across and how he was reacting to my smooth conversation skills. I was also coming down with the flu that evening, so I looked flushed and jittery in an effort to keep from vomiting on the table. He never called. When asked "Why?" by his sister-in-law, he said, "She's going places. She's moving. I can't be with someone who's that ambitious." Lesson learned: Stop thinking so much and don't be ambitious.

Bachelor No. 3 -- From a few singing groups I was in, I met this tall, cute man that even my *roommate* thought was attractive. He fell hook, line and sinker...and asked me out shortly after Valentine's Day. I knew exactly what to do. Be honest, but not ambitious; talk, but don't gab; be interested, but not psycho-stalker. Check. We went to a late lunch AND a movie (I didn't cop out AND I went a spy-blow-things-up movie). We talked about family and our pasts and through the afternoon, I began to analyze everything he said, and I realized that he was too...too much of everything I can barely handle in myself. All the things I need to work on with ME, he needed work on, too...motivation, passive-aggressive behavior, mother issues, father issues, self-esteem issues, body image issues. All that to say, I began to see what our dating life would be like, and I saw myself spiraling the drain *with* him. And at that point, I saw myself literally shut-off the attraction switch and I began to see him as an asexual being. No goodbye kiss, no hand holding, no cuddling, no invite up to my apartment. Just a hug. He never asked why *I* cut it off, but if he had, I would say "I'm too analytical and I stopped us before we became a mess together." Lesson learned: Stop thinking so goddamn much.

THIS is why I don't date. Because I am awkward and analytical. A horrible combination...like mixing Percocet and a couple of glasses of wine. Great in theory and funny years down the line, but the effects are immediate -- shame, remorse, not remembering a lot about what's going on, maybe a little vomiting and passing out.